And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
