so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
