i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
