dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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