I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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