My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I want to be your penis for a week.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I am one with the molecules
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
