Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
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I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
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I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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