I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
