we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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