I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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