If i come over, it means nothing
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
