and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Randomize
