I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
