we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
