So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
