I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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