Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
