so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
