i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
