The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
