After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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