I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
