for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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