I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
