i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
