I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
