The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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