Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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