just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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