I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
