i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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