i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
