last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
