she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
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I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
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I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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