Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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