Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
