My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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