so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
