I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
