and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
