I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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