i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
