Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
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The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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