"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
