You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
