im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Randomize
