My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
