I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
