New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
