I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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