No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
