i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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