I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
