Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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