We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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