I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
