What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
this boner is exhausting
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
